I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
