The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The air was thick with penises
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize