My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
