A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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