Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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