Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
