I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
