no, he came in my armpit
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
