So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
