she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
