I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
