dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
