I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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