even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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