I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Are we still banned from the library?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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