Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
