ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
