dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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