I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
How's work?
Spinning.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
