Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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