i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
