If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
