PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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