dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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