I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
