There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
