someone owes me an orgasm
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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