Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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