everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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