I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
