I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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