Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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