There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
