i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
im six kinds of drunk right now
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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