I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
