God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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