so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
