she woke up with a sticky ear
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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