Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
