Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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