I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
