I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
