This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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