I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
