My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
