Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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