She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
