hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize