happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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