Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
