So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
