FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
