I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
