Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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