i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
