i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
3 2 1 whiskey
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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