I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
